If a mute swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill themselves, is it considered a hostage situation?
Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow, only troubled and insecure?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "Practice"?
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
Why isn't there a mouse flavored CAT food?
Why do they report power outages on TV?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant?
Is it possible to be totally partial?
If a parsley farmer is successfully sued, can his wages be garnished?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?
Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?
If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their headlights off?
If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, does it make a sound?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?
If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?
When a cow laughs, does milk come up its nose?
Why do they put Braille on the number pads of drive-through bank machines?
How did a fool and his money GET together?
If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do they stick Teflon on the pan?
How do they get deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
What's another word for thesaurus?
What's another word for synonym?
Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
What do companies ship Styrofoam in?
Why is abbreviation such a long word?
What happens to sour cream when it passes the expiration date?
Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
When you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?
Does fuzzy logic tickle?
Do blind Eskimos have seeing-eye sled dogs?
Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?
Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?
Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?
If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
If two wrongs don't make a right, how many does it take?
If you have a partial lobotomy in which they remove the left half of your brain, will you be "all right"?
When they say a movie has been formatted to fit your TV, how do they know what size it is beforehand?
Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars, and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint, and he has to touch it.
How come SUPERMAN could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
If it was only a 3 hour cruise, why did MRS. HOWELL have so many clothes?
Why is it called a HAMBURGER, when it's made out of BEEF?
Why does SOUR CREAM have an Expiration date?
What would a chair look like, if your knees bent the other way?
IF "Con" is the Opposite of "Pro"....then what is the opposite of PROGRESS?
Why is LEMON JUICE mostly artificial ingredients....but DISH WASHING LIQUID contains real lemons.
How much deeper would the ocean be, if SPONGES didn't grow in it.
Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of.
Why do we wait until a PIG is dead, to "CURE" it.
Why do we wash BATH TOWELS, aren't we clean when we use them?
Why do we put SUITS in a Garment Bag, and put Garments in a Suitcase?
Why doesn't GLUE stick to the inside of the bottle.
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have an "S" in it?
What do little birdies see, when they get knocked unconscious?
* Coca-cola was originally green.
* Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than for the US Treas.
* Smartest dogs: 1)border collie; 2)poodle; 3)golden retriever
* Dumbest: afghan
* Hawaiian alphabet has 12 letters.
* Men can read smaller print than women; women can hear better.
* Chances that an American lives within 50 mi of where he/she grew up: 1 in 2
* Amount American Airlines saved in 1987 by eliminating one olive from
each salad served first class: $40,000
* City with the most Rolls Royces per capita: Hong Kong
* State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska
* Chances of a white Christmas in New York: 1 in 4
* Portion of US annual rainfall that falls in April: 1/12
* Percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28
* Percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38
* Estimated percentage of American adults who go on a diet each year: 44
* Barbie's measurements if she were life size: 39-23-33
* Percentage of Americans who say that God has spoken to them: 36
* Percentage of Americans who regularly attend religious services: 43
* City with the highest per capita viewership of TV evangelists: Wash., DC.
* Percentage of American men who say they would marry the same woman if
they had it to do all over again: 80
* Percentage of American women who say they would marry the same man: 50
* Percentage of men who say they are happier after their divorce or
separation: 58
* Percentage of women who say they are happier: 85
* Number of different familial relationships for which Hallmark makes
cards: 105
* Cost of raising a medium-sized dog to the age of eleven: $6,400
* Average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000.
* Percentage of Americans who have visited Disneyland or Disney World: 70
* Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.
* Portion of ice cream sold that is vanilla: 1/3
* Portion of potatoes sold that are French-fried: 1/3
* Percentage of Americans that eat at McDonalds each day: 7
* Percentage of bird species that are monogamous: 90
* Percentage of mammal species that are: 3
* Number of US states that claim test scores in their elementary schools
are above national average: 50
* Portion of Harvard students who graduate with honors: 4/5
* Chances that a burglary in the US will be solved: 1 in 7
* Portion of land in the US owned by the government: 1/3
* Only President to remain a bachelor: James Buchanan
* Only first lady to carry a loaded revolver: Eleanor Roosevelt
* Only president to win a Pulitzer: John F. Kennedy, for
"Profiles in Courage"
* Only president awarded a patent: Abe Lincoln, for a system of buoying
vessels over shoals
* Only food that does not spoil: honey
* Only person to win $64,000 Challenge and $64,000 Question: Dr. Joyce
Brothers (subject was boxing)
* Only bird that can fly backwards: Hummingbird
* Only continent without reptiles or snakes: Antarctica
* Only animal besides human that can get sunburn: Pig
* Ostriches stick their heads in the sand to look for water.
* An eagle can kill a young deer and fly away with it.
* In the Caribbean there are oysters that can climb trees.
* Polar bears are left-handed.
* Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
* Eskimos never gamble.
* The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.
* The youngest pope was 11 years old.
* Mark Twain didn't graduate from elementary school.
* Proportional to their weight, men are stronger than horses.
* Pilgrims ate popcorn at the first Thanksgiving dinner.
* Your nose and ears never stop growing.
* Jupiter is bigger than all the other planets combined.
* Hot water is heavier than cold.
* The parachute was invented by da Vinci in 1515.
* They have square watermelons in Japan...they stack better.
* Starfish have eight eyes--one at the end of each leg.
* Iceland consumes more Coca-Cola per capita than any other nation.
* First novel ever written on a typewriter was Tom Sawyer.
* There are more collect calls on Father's Day than any other day of the
year.
* Heinz Catsup leaving the bottle travels at 25 miles per year.
* It is possible to lead a cow upstairs but not downstairs.
* Men get hiccups more often than woman.
* Armadillos can be housebroken.
Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
If you can't drink and drive, why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor, and why do bars have
parking lots?
Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
If a cow laughed real hard, would milk come out her nose?
If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?
If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open
somewhere else"?
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
Why isn't "palindrome" spelled the same way backwards?
Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport
something by ship, it's called cargo?
You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane
out of the same substance?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
If you have your finger touching the rearview mirror that says -- "objects in mirror are closer than they
appear", how can that be possible?
Why is it so hard to remember how to spell MNEMONIC?
If someone invented instant water, what would they mix it with?
Why is it called a TV "set" when you only get one?
Why does your nose run and your feet smell?
Why does an alarm clock "go off" when it begins ringing?
If pro is the opposite of con, is progress the opposite of congress?
Why does "cleave" mean both split apart and stick together?
Why is it, whether you sit up or sit down, the result is the same?
Why is it called a "building" when it is already built?
Why do they call them "apartments" when they are all stuck together?
Why is there an expiration date on SOUR cream?
If you keep trying to prove Murphy's Law, will something keep going wrong?
Why does flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?
How can someone "draw a blank"?
Shouldn't there be a shorter word for "monosyllabic"?
Why is the word "abbreviate" so long?
Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
What is another word for "thesaurus"?
When they ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
If 75% of all accidents happen within 5 miles of home, why not move 10 miles away?
Why doesn't "onomatopoeia" sound like what it is?
Why do 'tug' boats push their barges?
Why do we sing 'Take me out to the ball game', when we are already there?
Why are they called 'stands' when they're made for sitting?
Why is there only ONE Monopolies Commission?
Does a fish get cramps after eating?
Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
Why is it when two planes almost hit each other it is called a "near miss"? Shouldn't it be called a "near
hit"?
What does Geronimo say when he jumps out of a plane?
Why is brassiere singular and panties plural?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
Why do light switches say on/off? When it's on you can see it's on, when it's off you can't see to read.
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
How do you know it's an ENDLESS LOOP?
Why is FOOTball played by hand?
Supposedly there was an Indian curse directed toward the Presidency of the United States. Every President elected in a year ending with "0" would die before he left office (not necessarily during that term). Lincoln was the first - elected in 1860 and Kennedy was the last - elected in 1960. Every President elected in a "0" year between 1860 and 1960 (1880, 1900, 1920, 1940) died before leaving office. Reagan broke the "0" factor as he was first elected in 1980, was shot but didn't die.
1. Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
2. The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.
3. I thought my window was down, but found out it was up when I put my hand through it.
4. I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
5. A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
6. A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
7. The guy was all over the road; I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
8. I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.
9.In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
10.I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up
obscuring my vision. I did not see the other car.
11. I had been driving my car for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
12. I was on my way to the doctors with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
13. As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared in place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I
was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.
14. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
15. My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
16. An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle, and vanished.
17. I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, I found that I had a skull fracture.
18. I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the roadway when I struck him.
19. The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran over him.
20. I saw the slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.
21. The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
22. I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cat.
23. The telephone pole was approaching fast. I was attempting to swerve out of its path when it struck my front.
24. I was unable to stop in time and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left immediately for
a vacation with injuries.
Homepage
Tommy's Page
Michael's Page
Favorite Sites
Jokes
Dad's Page
Send E-mail to mjbrock@bigfoot.com or click Icon.