FUNNY STORIES

There was a married couple who were in a terrible accident. The woman's face was burned severely. The doctor told the husband they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was so skinny. The husband then donated some of his skin...however, the only place suitable to the doctor was from his buttocks. The husband requested that no one be told of this, because after all this was a very delicate matter!
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever did before! All her friends and relatives just ranted and raved at her youthful beauty! She was alone with her husband one day & she wanted to thank him for what he did. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me! There is no way I could ever repay you!!!
He replied, "Oh don't worry, Honey, I get plenty thanks enough every time your mother comes over and kisses you on your cheek!!

Imagine there is a bank which credits your account each morning with $86,400, carries over no balance from day to day, allows you to keep no cash balance, and every evening cancels whatever part of the amount you had failed to use during the day.
What would you do?
Draw out every cent, of course!
Well, everyone has such a bank. Its name is TIME. Every morning, it credits you with 86,400 seconds. Every night it writes off, as lost, whatever of this you have failed to invest to good purpose.
It carries over no balance.
It allows no overdraft.
Each day it opens a new account for you. Each night it burns the records of the day. If you fail to use the day's deposits, the loss is yours.
There is no going back. There is no drawing against the "tomorrow". You must live in the present on today's deposits. Invest it so as to get from it the utmost in health, happiness and success!
The clock is running. Make the most of today..
To realize the value of ONE YEAR Ask a student who has failed his exam.
To realize the value of ONE MONTH Ask a mother who has given birth to a pre-mature baby.
To realize the value of ONE WEEK Ask an editor of a weekly newspaper.
To realize the value of ONE DAY Ask a daily wage laborer who has ten kids to feed.
To realize the value of ONE HOUR Ask the lovers who are waiting to meet or . . .
To realize the value of ONE MINUTE Ask a person who has missed the train.
To realize the value of ONE SECOND Ask a person who has survived an accident.
To realize the value of ONE MILLI-SECOND Ask the person who has won a silver medal in Olympics.
Treasure every moment that you have!
And treasure it more because you shared it with someone special.. Special enough to have your time...
and remember time waits for no one ...

One fall day Bubba was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse slowly drive by. Following the first hearse was a second hearse, which was followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200 men walking in single file. Intrigued, Bubba went up to the man following the second hearse and asked him who was in the first hearse. "My wife," the man replied. "I'm sorry," said Bubba, "What happened to her?" "My dog bit her and she died." Bubba then asked the man who was in the second hearse. The man replied, "My mother-in-law. My dog bit her and she died as well." Bubba thought about this for a while. He finally asked the man, "Can I borrow your dog?" The man replied, "Get in line."

A mother, accompanied by her small daughter, were in New York City. The mother was trying to hail a cab, when her daughter noticed several wildly dressed women who were loitering on a nearby street corner. The mother finally hailed her cab and they both climbed in, at which point the daughter asks her mother, "Mummie, what are all those ladies waiting for by that corner?", to which the mother replies, "Those ladies are waiting for their husbands to come home from work."
The cabbie, upon hearing this exchange, turns to the mother and says, "Ahhhhhhh, C'mon lady!!!! Tell your daughter the truth!!!! For crying out loud. They're hookers!"
A brief period of silence follows, and the daughter then asks, "Mummie, do the ladies have any children?"
The mother replies, "Of course dear. Where do you think cabbies come from?"

A man decided that it was time to teach his son how to say his prayers, so he spent a few nights teaching the son the basics. After the kid had learned them well enough to say them on his own, the father instructed him that after he was done with the prayers each night, he was to choose someone special and ask God's blessing for that person.
Well, the first night the little boy said his prayers, he ended with "And God, please bless my puppy." The guy thought that it was pretty cute. However, the next morning the little dog ran out the door and was killed by a car.
That night the little boy asked God to bless his cat when the prayers were finished, and, sure enough, the next morning the cat slipped out and took on the biggest dog in the neighborhood and became breakfast. The father had started to make a connection here, but decided that it was just coincidence.
But when the kid asked God to bless his goldfish, the father could barely wait for the morning so that he could check it. As soon as he looked in the bowl, he saw the fish floating upside down on the top. That night the little kid ended with "God please give an extra special blessing to my father."
The father couldn't sleep. He couldn't eat breakfast in the morning. He was afraid to drive to work. He couldn't get any work done because he was petrified. Finally quitting time came and he walked home, expecting to drop dead any minute. When he arrived home, the house was a mess. His wife was lying on the couch still dressed in her robe. The dishes from breakfast were still on the table and the father was furious. He started yelling at his wife, telling her that he had had the worst day of his life and she hadn't even gotten dressed. She looked at him and said "shut up! My day was worse. The mailman had a heart attack on our front porch!".

A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the house in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle and somehow, the motorcycle slipped into gear. The man, still holding the handlebars, was dragged through a glass patio door and the motorcycle dumped onto the floor inside the house.
The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room, and found her husband laying on the floor, cut and bleeding, the motorcycle laying next to him and the patio door shattered. The wife ran to the phone and summoned an ambulance. Because they lived on a fairly large hill, the wife went down the several flights of long steps to the street to direct the paramedics to her husband.
After the ambulance arrived and transported the husband to the hospital, the wife uprighted the motorcycle and pushed it outside. Seeing that gas had spilled on the floor, the wife obtained some papers towels, blotted up the gasoline, and threw the towels in the toilet. The husband was treated at the hospital and was released to come home. After arriving home, he looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He became despondent, went into the bathroom, sat on the toilet and smoked a cigarette. After finishing the cigarette, he flipped it between his legs into the toilet bowl while still seated.
The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. She ran into the bathroom and found her husband laying on the floor. His trousers had been blown away and he was suffering burns on the buttocks, the back of his legs and his groin. The wife again ran to the phone and called for an ambulance.
The same ambulance crew was dispatched and the wife met them at the street. The paramedics loaded the husband on the stretcher and began carrying him to the street. While they were going down the stairs to the street accompanied by the wife, one of the paramedics asked the wife how the husband had burned himself. She told them and the paramedics started laughing so hard, one of them tipped the stretcher and dumped the husband out. He fell down the remaining steps and broke his ankle.

The LAPD, the FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test.
He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling, "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

A LETTER FROM A TEXAS MAMA TO HER SON:

Dear Bubba,

I'm writing this real slow because I know you can't read real fast. We don't live where we did when you left. Your daddy read in the paper that most accidents happen within 25 miles of home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address 'cause the last Texas family that lived here took the numbers off the house and carried them with them so they wouldn't have to change their address. This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in, pulled the chain and ain't seen them since.
It only rained twice last week. Three days the first time and four days the second time. You know that coat you wanted us to send to you? Well, Aunt Sue said it would be too heavy to mail with them heavy buttons on it, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
We got a letter from the funeral home. They said if we don't get the Last payment paid on grandma's funeral bill, up she comes! Your sister had a baby this morning. I ain't heard whether it is a boy or a girl, so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle. Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We cremated him and he burned for days.
Three of your friends went off the bridge in Billy Bob's open-bed pickup. Billy Bob was driving and the other two were in the back. Billy Bob got out. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. The other two couldn't figure out how to get the tailgate open and drowneded (sic). There ain't much news this time round, Bubba. Nothing much happens in Rattlesnake, Texas.
Love, Momma
PS Have yew alled yer gun lately? Best not foget, nome sane?

THIS IS AN ACTUAL ARTICLE TAKEN FROM A JAPANESE NEWSPAPER:

On Friday, March 14, the Japanese Coast Guard responded to an SOS call from a sinking ship in the middle of the Sea of Japan. When the rescue effort arrived, they found the crew of a trawler clinging to the hull of their overturned ship. After returning to land, each member of the crew and the officers were questioned about the events causing the accident, but after the interviews, the men were placed in confinement for suspicion of sabotage. Every man claimed that their boat had been struck by a large cow that had fallen out of the cloudless sky, leading the authorities to suspect the story had been concocted to cover up foul play.

The men remained in confinement for a week until a call came in from the Russian Air Force, who had heard of the incident. After the call, all of the men were released.

On the same day that the ship sank, a Russian cargo plane was preparing to take off from an airfield in far eastern Russia. Before takeoff, the crew of the plane noticed a cow grazing beside the runway. Hungry for the expensive meat, they dragged the cow into the cargo hold and took off, intending to have a feast at their destination. Once in the air, the disoriented cow went berserk, thrashing and kicking at anything and anyone within reach. Before the cow could do any serious damage, the crew opened the cargo hatch and pushed the cow out at 30,000 feet over the Sea of Japan.

A guy is at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted, while St. Pete is leafin' through this Big Book to see if the guy is worthy of entering.
Saint Peter goes through the books several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, "You know, I can't see that you did anything really good in your life but, you never did anything bad either. Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you're in."

The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Yeah, there was this one time when I was drivin' down the highway and I saw a giant group of KKK Biker Gang Rapists assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough, there they were, about 50 of 'em torturing this chick. Infuriated, I get out of my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked straight up to the leader of the gang, a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the KKK Biker Gang Rapists formed a circle around me.

So, I rip the leader's chain off his face and smash him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turn around and yell to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor, innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'"

St. Peter, impressed, says "Really? When did this happen?"
"Oh, about two minutes ago."

One fall day Bill was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse slowly drive by. Following the first hearse was a second hearse, which was followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200 men walking in single file. Intrigued, Bill went up to the man following the second hearse and asked him who was in the first hearse.

"My wife," the man replied.

"I'm sorry," said Bill, "What happened to her?"

"My dog bit her and she died."

Bill then asked the man who was in the second hearse. The man replied, "My mother-in-law. My dog bit her and she died as well."
Bill thought about this for a while. He finally asked the man, "Can I borrow your dog?"
"Get in line."

Two drunks are driving down the highway, drinking their beer. All of a sudden the driver notices lights flashing in his mirror; the cops are on his tail.
His buddy says, "What are we going to do?" The driver says, "Don't worry. Just do exactly what I tell you and everything will work out perfectly.
First, peel the labels off our beer bottles and we'll each stick one on ourforehead. Then shove the bottles underneath the seat, and let me do the talking."
They pull over and the cop walks up to the car. He looks at them kind of funny, but asks to see the guy's driver's license. And he asks him, "Have you been drinking?"
"Oh, no, sir," the driver replies.
"I noticed you weaving back and forth across the highway. Are you *sure* you haven't been drinking?" the cop asks.
"Oh, no, sir," the drunk answers. "We haven't had a thing to drink tonight."
"Well, I've got to ask you," says the cop, "What on earth are those things on your forehead?"
"That's easy, Officer," says the drunk. "You see, we're both alcoholics, and we're on the Patch!"

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