At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings.
Little Johnny, a child in the kindergarten class, seemed especially intent when they told
him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.
Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said,
"Johnny, what is the matter?"
Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a
wife."
One Sunday in a Midwest city, a young child was "acting up" during the
morning worship hour. The parents did their best to maintain some
sense of order in the pew but were losing the battle. Finally the father picked the little
fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle
on his way out. Just before reaching the safety of the foyer, the little one called loudly
to the congregation, "Pray for me! Pray for me!"
A daddy was listening to his child say his prayer "Dear Harold." At this, dad
interrupted and said, "Wait a minute, "How come you
called God 'Harold?'
The little boy looked up and said, "That's His name. You know, "Our Father, who
art in Heaven, Harold be Thy name."
One four-year-old prayed: "And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those
who put trash in our baskets."
During the minister's prayer one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from one of the back
pews. Gary's mother was horrified. She pinched him
into silence, and after church, asked: "Gary, whatever made you do such a
thing?"
Gary answered soberly: "I asked God to teach me to whistle ... And He just then
did!"
One night Mike's parents overheard this prayer:
"Now I lay me down to rest, And hope to pass tomorrow's test.
If I should die before I wake, That's one less test I have to take."
A five-year-old said grace at family dinner one night. "Dear God, thank you for
these pancakes." When he concluded, his parents asked
him why he thanked God for pancakes when they were having chicken.
He smiled and said, "I thought I'd see if He was paying attention tonight."
A little boy's prayer. "Dear God, please take care of my daddy and my mommy and my
sister and my brother and my doggy and me. Oh, please
take care of yourself, God. If anything happens to you, we're gonna be in a big
mess."
A rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy: "So your mother says your prayers
for you each night? Very commendable. What does she say?"
The little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!"
Johnny had been misbehaving and was sent to his room. After a while he emerged and
informed his mother that he had thought it over and then
said a prayer. "Fine," said the pleased mother. "If you ask God to help you
not misbehave, He will help you."
"Oh, I didn't ask Him to help me not misbehave. I asked Him to help you put up with
me."
A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if You can't make me a better boy,
don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am.
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.
"Why do you do that, Mommy?"
"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream
with a tissue.
"What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"
1) Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds
will be used to cripple children.
2) The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not
afflicted with any church.
3) The Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to
lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
4) Evening massage - 6 p.m.
5) The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their
electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
6) The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.
7) Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 p.m. Please use the back
door.
8) Ushers will eat latecomers.
9) The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.
10) For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
11) The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.
12) The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing,
"Break Forth Into Joy."
13) During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good
sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.
14) Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then
speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."
15) Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until
further notice.
16) Stewardship Offertory: "Jesus Paid It All"
17) The music for today's service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in
celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth.
18) Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
19) The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on
Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
20) The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the
minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon
her.
21) 22 members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha
Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows
Why.
22) A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.
23) Today's Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? with hymns from a full choir.
24) Hymn 43: "Great God, what do I see here?" Preacher: The Rev. Horace Blodgett
Hymn 47: "Hark! an awful voice is sounding"
25) On a church bulletin during the minister's illness: GOD IS GOOD Dr. Hargreaves is
better.
26) Potluck supper: prayer and medication to follow.
27) Don't let worry kill you off - let the church help.
28) The 1997 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
29) Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.
30) 8 new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and
to the deterioration of some older ones.
31) The choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
32) Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of
their first child.
33) Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
Rev. Warren J. Keating, Pastor of the First Presbyterian Church of Yuma, AZ, says that the best prayer he ever heard was, "Lord, please make me the kind of person my dog thinks I am."
A woman went to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. "What denomination?" asked the postal clerk. "Oh, good heavens! Has it come to this?" said the woman. "Well, give me 50 Baptist and 50 Catholic ones."
A student was asked to list the 10 Commandments in any order. His answer: 3, 6, 1, 8, 4, 5, 9, 2, 10, 7.
I was at the beach with my children when my four-year-old son ran up to me, grabbed my hand, and led me to the shore, where a sea gull lay dead in the sand. "Mommy, what happened to him?" my son asked. "He died and went to heaven," I replied. My son thought a moment and then said, "And God threw him back down?"
After the church service a little boy told the pastor, "When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money." "Well, thank you," the pastor replied, "but why?" "Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had."
"My wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to our six year
old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" "I wouldn't
know what to say," the girl replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," my
wife answered. Our daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite
all these people to dinner?"
This 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash.
They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food,
and exercise.
When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked
out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi.
As they "oohed and aahed" the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to
cost.
"It's free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven."
Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to.
They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one
representing the great golf courses on earth.
The old man asked, "what are the green fees?".
Peter's reply, "This is heaven, you play for free."
Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the
world laid out. "How much to eat?" asked the old man.
"Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" Peter replied with some
exasperation.
"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked
timidly.
Peter lectured, "That's the best part...you can eat as much as you like of whatever
you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."
With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it,
and shrieking wildly. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was
wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault. If it
weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"
Clinton and the Pope died on the same day, due to some administrative foul up, Clinton
gets sent to heaven and the Pope gets sent to hell.
The Pope explains the situation to the hell administration, they check their paperwork,
and the error is acknowledged. They explain, however, that it will take about 24 hours to
make the switch.
The next day, the Pope is called in and the hell administration bids him farewell and he
heads for heaven. On the way up, he meets Clinton on the way down, and they stop to chat.
Pope: Sorry about the mix up.
Clinton: No problem.
Pope: Well, I'm really excited about going to heaven.
Clinton: Why's that?
Pope: All my life I've wanted to meet the Virgin Mary.
Clinton: Err.....You're a day late.
A guy dies and goes to heaven. It is a slow day for St. Peter, so , upon passing the
entrance test, St. Peter says, " I'm not very busy today, why don't I show you
around?"
The guy thinks this a great idea and graciously accepts the offer. St. Peter shows him all
the sights, the golf course, the reading room, and library, the observation room, and
finally, they come to a huge room full of clocks.
The guy asks, " what is up with all the clocks?"
St. Peter explains, "Everyone on earth has a clock that shows how much time he has
left on earth. When the clock runs out of time, the person dies and comes to the gates to
be judged."
The guy thinks this makes sense but notices that some clocks are moving faster than
others. He asks why is that?
St. Peter explains, "Every time a living person tells a lie, it speeds his
clock." This also makes sense, so the guy takes one last look around the room before
leaving and notices one clock in the center of the ceiling. On this clock, both hands are
spinning at an unbelievable rate. So he asks, "What is the story with that
clock?"
"Oh, that," St. Peter replies, "that is O. J. Simpson's clock. We just
decided to use it as a fan."
There was a young Baptist Circuit Preacher who needed a horse to make his route. He
didn"t want just any horse, he wanted a religious horse.
As he went from town to town he always checked to see if the livery had any religious
horses but he never could find one that suited him.
Most of the horses were from cowboys and their vocabulary with the horses was atrocious.
Finally in one small town the blacksmith said "I've found a Religious horse for you
Preacher"
The Preacher asked, "How do you know that this horse is religious?"
"Well" replied the blacksmith "When you say "Thank God" the horse
will start at a trot and when you say "Amen" the horse will stop."
The preacher checked the horse out and sure enough the horse started when he said
"Thank God" and stopped when he said "Amen". So, he bought the horse.
Next morning the preacher mounted his horse and said "Thank God" and started
trotting across the prairie to the next town.
A couple of hours later the preacher looked up and saw a huge canyon coming up, he pulled
on the reins and said "whoa" but the horse just kept on going. He yelled
"stop", yanked on the reins but in his excitement he could not remember how to
get the horse to stop.
Knowing that the horse was going to trot right off the edge of the canyon the preacher
began to pray and ask for forgiveness of his sins.
Just as the horse got to the edge of the canyon the preacher finished his prayer with a
loud "Amen" and the horse stopped with his front hooves just on the edge of the
canyon.
With a sigh of relief the preacher breathed, "Thank God"
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