1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn
the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.
2. CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming,
of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times,
reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back
down to give the vacuum one more chance.
3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of candy you
dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow
remove all the germs.
4. ELBONICS (el bon' iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for
one armrest in a movie theater or airplane.
5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept
onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he
finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.
6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the
"open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to
resort to the 'illegal' side.
7. PEPPIER (pehp ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose
sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want
ground pepper.
8. PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number
and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.
9. PUPKUS (pup' kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog
presses its nose to it.
10.TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always
letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up,
even when you're only six inches away.
11.ICEALANCHE (eyes ah laaanch) n. When you reach the bottom of your
glass, tip your glass to get the final drop, and the ice suddenly
gives way all over you face and everything else.
SIGNS OF A WORLDWIDE DIMINISHING IQ
Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel after he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16 bills.
A man in Johannesburg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend in the face, seriously wounding him, while the two practised shooting beer cans off each other's head.
A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety record showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of safety goggles on the job. According to Industrial Machinery News, the film's epiction of gory industrial accidents was so graphic that twenty-five workers suffered minor injuries in their rush to leave the screening room. Thirteen others fainted, and one man required seven stitches after he cut his head falling off a chair while watching the film.
The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.
A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.
Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle laboured 13 years on a book about Swedish economic solutions. He took the 250-page manuscript to be copied, only to have it reduced to 50,000 strips of paper in seconds when a worker confused the copier with the shredder.
A convict broke out of jail in Washington D.C., then a few days later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and thus had him paged. Police officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.
Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.
When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.
A Los Angeles man who later said he was "tired of walking," stole a steamroller and led police on a 5 mph chase until an officer stepped aboard and brought the vehicle to a stop.
I was told these came from the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal. They are a set of questions asked of witnesses during trials and are said to be true.
"The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"
"Were you alone, or by yourself?"
"Were you present when your picture was taken?"
"Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"
"Did he kill you?"
"You were there until the time you left, is that true?"
"How many times have you committed suicide?"
Q: "She had three children, right?" A: "Yes."
Q: "How many were boys?" A: "None." Q: "Were there any girls?"
Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?" A: "Yes."
Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"
Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?" A: "By death."
Q: "And by who's death was it terminated?"
Q: "Can you describe the individual?" A: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
Q: "Was this a male, or a female?"
Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people."
Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?"
A: "Oral."
Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"
A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m."
Q: "And Mr. Dennington, was he dead at the time?"
A: "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy."
A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman "Give me six
double vodkas."
The barman says, "Wow! you must have had one heck of a day."
"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."
The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same
drinks.
When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came
back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay also!"
On the third day the guy came back into the bar and ordered another
six double vodkas.
The bartender said "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"
"Yeah, my wife......."
A man is on his way home from work one afternoon in L.A. and he's
stopped in traffic and thinks, "Wow, this traffic seems worse than
usual, we're not even moving."
He notices a police officer walking down the highway in between the
cars and he rolls down his window and says, "Excuse me officer, what's
the hold up." The Officer said "O.J. just found out the verdict and
he's all depressed. He's lying down in the middle of the highway and
he's threatening to douse himself in gasoline and light himself on
fire. He says that he just doesn't have $8.5 million dollars for the
Goldmans and I'm walking around taking up a collection for him. "The
man says, "oh really, how much have you gotten so far?" The officer
says "So far....ten gallons."
PLEASE ENGAGE BRAIN BEFORE SPEAKING
Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the
world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny
like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff.
**Mariah Carey
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: I would not live forever, because we should not live
forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then
we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not
live forever.
**Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss Universe contest
Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same
reactions in the brain as marijuana...The researchers
also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are.
**Matt Lauer on NBC's Today show, August 22
I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law.
** David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.
Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.
**Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign
I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.
**Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward
Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.
**Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C.
Beginning in February 1976 your assistance benefits will be discontinued... Reason: it
has been reported to our office that you expired on January 1, 1976.
**Letter from the Illinois Department of Public Aid
The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history...this century's history...We all
lived in this century. I didn't live in this century.
**Dan Quayle, then Indiana senator and Republican vice-presidential candidate during a news conference in which he
was asked his opinion of the Holocaust
Rotarians, be patriotic! Learn to shoot yourself.
**Chicago Rotary Club journal, "Gyrator"
The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who make them unsafe.
**Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia
I've always thought that underpopulated countries in Africa are vastly underpolluted.
**Lawrence Summers, chief economist of the World Bank, explaining why we should export toxic wastes to Third
World countries
After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal, the school board
is extremely pleased to announce the appointment of David Steele to the post.
**Philip Streifer, Superintendent of Schools, Barrington, Rhode Island
The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing.
**Dizzy Dean explaining how he felt after being hit on the head by a ball in the 1934 World Series
Q: What is the difference between a man and savings bonds? A: At least the savings bonds will mature.
Homepage
Tommy's Page
Michael's Page
Favorite Sites
Jokes
Dad's Page
Send E-mail to mjbrock@bigfoot.com or click Icon.