Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road? A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.
Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers? A: Professional courtesy.
Q: What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand? A: Not enough sand.
Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree? A: Cut the rope.
Q: Do you know how to save a drowning laywer? A: Take your foot off his head.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of slop? A: The bucket.
Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")? A: When a bus load of lawyers goes off a cliff.
Q: What is the definition of a "crying shame"? A: There was an empty seat.
Q: What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should? A: Stick his bill up his rear.
Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer? A: An offer you can't understand.
Q. Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses? A. From chasing parked ambulances.
Q. Where can you find a good lawyer? A. In the cemetary.
Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire? A. A vampire only sucks blood at night.
Q. What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster? A. When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck defiance.
Q: What do you call 50 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A: A good start.
Q: How can you tell if a lawyer is well hung? A: You can't get a finger between the rope and his neck!
Q: If you are stranded on a desert island with Adolph Hitler, Atilla the Hun, and a lawyer, and you have a gun with only two bullets, what do you do? A: Shoot the lawyer twice.
Q: What do a lawyer and sperm have in common? A: They both have a one in a million chance of being human.
Up in heaven there is a white picket fence.
On one side stood GOD on the other side stood satan and a few of his henchmen.
The devils helpers were kicking holes in the fence.
GOD said "if you don't tell them to stop, I'll sue you".
Satan started laughing and replied "You think you'll find a lawyer on your side of
the fence"?
A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked "How much is 2+2?"
The housewife replies: "Four!".
The accountant says: "I think it's either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures through my
spreadsheet one more time."
The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed voice, "How much do
you want it to be?"
A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. But, to his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk. The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?" St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"
A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city sub- scribed to a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a shilling. "Only a shilling?" said the Justice, "Only a shilling to bury an attorney? Here's a guinea; go and bury 20 more of them."
A lawyer and a physician had a dispute over precedence. They referred it to Diogenes, who gave it in favor of the lawyer as follows: "Let the thief go first, and the executioner follow."
Diogenes went to look for an honest lawyer. "How's it going?", someone asked. "Not too bad", said Diogenes. "I still have my lantern."
A woman and her little girl were visitng the grave of the little girl's grandmother. On their way through the cemetary back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"
"Of course not, dear." replied the mother, "Why would you think that?"
"The tombstone back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"
The defendent who pleads their own case has a fool for a client, but at least there will be no problem with fee-splitting.
God decided to take the devil to court and settle their differences once and for all.
When Satan heard this, he laughed and said, "And where do you think *you're* going to find a lawyer?"
Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it? The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures.
When a lawyer tells his clients he has a sliding fee schedule what he means is that after he bills you it's financially hard to get back on your feet.
It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.
A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do you serve
lawyers here?".
"Sure do," replied the bartender.
"Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my
'gator."
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